A Winters Tale
by sarahmith
Summary: After a lifetime of being HYDRA's weapon you are finally free and on the run. This is the story of James Buchanan Barnes who flees and never stops running. This is the story of a Civil War, similar but different. This is the story of a man who should be dead but only wants to live. It's sweet and bitter and sad. It's a Winters Tale. Some canon divergence; eventually M/M/M


**Hello dear Reader,**

 **So I finally did it. I wrote a fanfic about the Avengers. It was supposed to be a short piece about Stuckony but let's just say that the story had other plans and I am now at over 10,000 words and counting and I really just want to test the waters with the first chapters. So please let me tell what you think about it, especially about the perspective I choose. Because it's fun to write and I'd like to know if it's also a good read.**

 **So, without further ado, enjoy the stories and leave some love in the comments (but als constructive criticism!)**

 **Have fun,**

 **Sarah**

* * *

At first everything is hazy and muted. But there are emotions now and you can feel something emerging from deep inside, something you thought you lost but by some miracle it's still there. Broken and in pieces but there. And you know with a certainty that you are no longer under their control. You are no longer HYDRA's little toy, their weapon. You don't know who you are exactly but it doesn't even matter right now. You run.

* * *

The first weeks are a blur. You stay wherever you find yourself, mostly in abandoned buildings or in the streets. You stay away from crowds and overpopulated cities because people scare you and there are just so many. Plus it's easier to hide your arm that way. You never stay anywhere more than two days though because you can see the shadows moving and shifting around you and you are, like 80 percent certain it is not just your imagination. HYDRA is chasing you and SHIELD is chasing you and the name Steve Rogers triggers a burst of memories. (At least you think they are memories but you can't really be sure with a head as messed up as yours.) Fights in back alleys, a scrawny guy half dead from his many illnesses, so much time spent together, a kiss. But the guy in the maybe-memories, the one who is supposed to be you, you don't recognize him anymore. You are not him and so you run, not only from SHIELD but also from Steve Rogers.

* * *

It all comes to a head in Bucharest. You only want to buy some plums, goddamnit. You are better around people now, not that you talk to them or anything. It's just easier to hide in a crowd and you can use every advantage you get. Of course, there are negative aspects as well. Namely, that when you find your face plastered over every local newspaper someone is bound to recognize you. The guy at the newspaper stand certainly does.

You try to run but it's useless. A guy all in black tries to kill you and you can't help to think that his outfit looks like he bought it in one of those kinky sex shops. Then, of course, Steve Rogers comes to rescue you in all his Captain-America-glory and you try to run again but in the end SHIELD captures all of you and they lock you away.

Then Zemo sets your alter ego free again and you are trapped inside your mind for the hundredth time while your body wracks havoc and tries to kill people that you have no interest in killing. It's no use, though. In the end the Captain really saves you and slowly you regain control.

After that, things happen so fast that you can barely keep up but at the end of it all you are one metallic arm shorter, Tony Stark hates you because apparently you killed his parents and you are on the run again. This time with Rogers.

You end up in Wakanda with the guy who tried to kill you but who is now, kind of, your friend and really, who saw that coming.

Now you are trapped here in the jungle, with nowhere to go. Rogers, whenever you are in the same room, looks at you with those blue eyes of him like he is expecting something, anything, and you can't stand it because the things he is looking for, you can't give them. So you hide in your room where only your conscience keeps you company and that dark part of your mind which is not your own.

* * *

The people here leave you mostly alone and that's fine. Great even. You have nothing to say after all. After two weeks though the archer seeks you out, Clint, but you don't really care so you don't remember his name. He just talks to you, not expecting any answers and you learn a lot about the Avengers. Mostly though you learn what you destroyed.

The Avengers are split into two parties now. Team Captain America and Team Iron Man, as Clint likes to call them. (Okay, so you remembered the name. What's the big deal?) Ironically you are on Team Iron Man because let's be honest here, you are not the good guy and you have no idea what Rogers' agenda is but you have a feeling that he is chasing shadows. Clint just nods solemnly when you tell him this. It's the most you have spoken to him since he started to drop into your room from the vents.

The next night you learn about Rogers' and Stark's relationship. Clint doesn't really tell you but you can still hear it loud and clear, between the lines. And the pile of things you destroyed grows every day.

* * *

Three weeks later you run again. You can't stay in Wakanda any longer. Rogers has started to seek you out as well and he tells you all these little stories from his past. Your past. But it all seems so far away and you try to tell him to stop chasing Bucky but you don't find the right words. So you stay silent and listen until you can't anymore.

It starts innocent, like every story, with another fight in a back alley and more bruises and a sprained wrist. But it turns to your very first kiss and you remember the memory that popped up in your head. But there are just pictures and no feelings and you can see all of his emotions, just there in his eyes, plain as day. And you can't take it.

So you run and Clint is there beside you but he doesn't stop you. He shoots two guards with his tranquillizer arrows and you don't question it and so you run together.

Clint is actually a great guy to run with. He is good at avoiding and he finds the best hiding spots. He has no qualms about tranquillizing innocent people who might get in your way and he knows when to talk and when to shut up. After three days of running, though, you get the suspicion that he is communicating with someone else. You are tense for a day after that but whoever it might be, they are just helping and not interfering so you let it slide.

Four weeks later you finally made it to New York and you stay behind in a small brownstone in Brooklyn while Clint leaves to take care of a few things. He returns hours later with Natasha in tow. You eye her warily because you know what she is capable of, you trained her after all, and she is tense around you as well. But somehow you form an unspoken truce and she shows up more often and you are pretty certain that she is the one who helped Clint when you were running.

It takes Tony Stark all but a week to figure out where Natasha keeps disappearing to.

* * *

You are alone when you hear the front door shatter and you go to inspect. Tony Stark is standing there with fire in his eyes which you can only see because he came without the armour. It's a pretty stupid move because you could kill him right here, right now. And the Winter Soldier would, you know because his shadow in your mind grows and you are barely able to push him away. You came here for a reason after all. And it's not to kill Tony Stark.

You walk further into the hall, the good arm held at the side, palm forward to show that you have no weapons. You are no threat. Then you sink to your knees but your eyes stay focused on Stark's. The man raises an eyebrow, questioningly, but you remain stoic.

"What's the big plan, Barnes?" Stark's voice is rough and deep and you can detect the anger without a problem.

"Do what you have to do, Stark. It will be easier for everyone when I'm gone." Your voice is rough too, from disuse but it's neutral and devoid of any emotions.

Stark moves fast then and you can barely control your instincts, screaming _attack- defend- neutralize,_ and then a cold gun barrel is pressed against your head.

The shot makes your ears ring and it hurts like a bitch but it's just a flesh wound in your shoulder, the good one, and you are confused. The Soldier is roaring now, hammering against the confines you built in your mind and you have to squeeze your eyes shut to regain control.

"That would be too easy, Barnes. You think you can just run away from your responsibilities? From what you did?" Stark takes a step back and looks at you with hard eyes. He hates you with every fibre of his being and that's just fair because you not only took his parents. You broke his team and stole his boyfriend and it doesn't even matter that you wanted to do none of those things. Because somehow you still did. When you look at him you realize you made the right decision to come here.

You smile and Stark glares even harder.


End file.
